This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Mad Max Arctic Road
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot