I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.