Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
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[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.