the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
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me, after any kind of buffet.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My birth announcement for our third baby
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.