History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.