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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Breaking news:
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.