it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
who wore it better?
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Oops I deleted….
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.