If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
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[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical