Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.