I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief