*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
You Might Also Like
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.