Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*