Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
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Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I’m calling the cops.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Good boy 😂😂
Twitter fine art
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.