Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Saturday
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*