I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
scared to check what name she chose
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun