stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
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You wish you had this many chins.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!