If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
he’s doing your taxes
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.