[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed