[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
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Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.