Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
You Might Also Like
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.