Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Why are bridges so flammable.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Poetry is my passion
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Awwwww shit.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.