15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
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JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
finally found a reasonable question
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.