Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
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much to think about
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Day 2 of my diet
found this cool rock hiking today
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.