Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
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I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”