The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
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Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Feels
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!