When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.