“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
You Might Also Like
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Phones down.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Love this guy
I am, perchance
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.