[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone