Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mornin
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.