All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.