Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
it must be school picture day
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
mood
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.