Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Spa day..😅
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*