Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Velcrow
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents