ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
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well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa