HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
You Might Also Like
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“We will wed,” I threatened
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Just a phase…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn