#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.