Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
channeling her this year
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.