“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.