Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
bias laundering edition
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though