M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.