Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.