Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”