where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.