if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Yeah. This was me today.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER