I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
my name if I was in the mob
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.