Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
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*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
what does he know…
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?