People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Good point.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Legend 🤣🤣
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now