If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Warm pools make me nervous.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did