the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
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thinking about a very short hotdog
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Me checking my bank balance online.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September