ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
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“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.